Being 35

Well. It has happened. I am 35. I have been 35 for several hours now. One may ask, "Do you feel any different?". My answer would have to be, "No". Of course, I haven't really felt any different at any of my birthdays since reaching adulthood. Once you surpass the "big" ones, 16 and 21, there really seems to be no immediate change. In my mind, I'm still 21. In my body, I sometimes feel 90. In my 35 years I have learned an awful lot about life. When I was around 14 or 15, I began to realize that my family wasn't perfect. That there were skeletons in the closet. It wasn't until around 30 that I realized that NO ONE had a perfect family, just that some people didn't talk about their problems. At 35, I'm very thankful that we didn't keep secrets. That my sisters, and my mother and father gave us a taste of real life. It makes me who I am. When I was young, I really was a model child. I didn't fight back. I did as I was told. I didn't get in trouble at school (Well except for that one time I did splits in the cafeteria when I was in Kindergarten. Don't do it! They'll paddle you for that!).  I never wanted anyone to be mad at me. I didn't want to disappoint. Of course, I fought with my sister every now and then (but it was always her fault I'm sure:), but mostly I did as I was told. At 17 and 18 I realized that I didn't really want to be the perfect child. That I didn't ALWAYS want to do what my everyone wanted me to do. Actually, dare I say I rebelled a little (in the way 17 year olds do-with a "bad" boy).  Then came 20. At 20, I married too young. I married the person that I thought I should want. The one that made sense. The logical choice.The nice choice. At 26, I was given a little bit of freedom. I took it and ran. I became independent for the first time in my life.  Over the next couple of years, I tried to figure out what I wanted out of life. I made a lot of new friends. People that I probably would have never met otherwise. People who taught me to be more accepting. People who loved me for the person that I was, not who they wanted me to be. I made memories that I will keep in my heart forever. I also made a ton of mistakes (if you know me well, you know about most of those mistakes!). I messed up but I was given a second chance. At 27, I walked into an "establishment" and crossed paths with the man that completely won my heart. I gave up my independence for something new. A relationship where I was just me. At a point in my life where I could make choices and was able to. Where I could learn from mistakes and work through them. At 28, I became a mom for the first time. Total, complete, utter bliss. There are no words to describe this journey of motherhood. Sometimes I lose patience. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. Sometimes I mess up. Above all of those, it is a joy in my heart that never, ever goes away, even on my worst day. At 32, once again I was blessed. I would have never thought my heart could hold more love and more joy, but it did. So here I am at 35. When I was 21 if someone asked me where I thought I would be at 35, I have no idea what I would have said. Now I'm here, in the moment, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I look at my life and I am blessed beyond measure. I have a wonderful husband, a stepson who I love like he is my own, a son who tries my patience but makes me proud all at the same time, and a little girl whose personality and beauty astounds me daily. I also have a very big and growing family, who keep it real for me. We mess up. We disappoint each other. Thankfully, love overcomes all of that. We all love God, as does our mother, who taught us that forgiveness is a very tangible, important thing and without it we would not be nearly as strong as we are. I have a career that for 10 years has challenged me, moved me, taught me, and fulfilled me like no other job ever could have. I am beyond blessed with friends. I have old friends, new friends, and friends that are my family. At any moment, there are at least 15 people I could call if I needed something, and I use "at least" lightly  because I know there are more. So from now on, when someone asks me how old I am, I will proudly answer "35"... because there is no place else I'd rather be.

A Different Perspective

I don't even know where to begin on this post. I am bothered by all the "hoopla" over what movies people are seeing and what books people are reading. I have read things that I wish I could unread. I try really hard to just overlook things that I feel will be negative or judgmental. Even when the writer proclaims to not be judging, it really still generally comes across that way. Not that I'm innocent of judgment. There have been times where I have said or done things that I immediately wish I could take back. However, I pride myself on mostly trying to be a loving, non-judging person. I love Jesus. I love people. Does this mean I agree with everything everyone does? No. But I firmly believe it is not my job to decide other people's convictions or fate. I do not claim to be perfect in my faith. I struggle every single day. I worry about doing the right thing. I pray to God to make me a better wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend. I ask him to give me strength. When I start one of my anxiety-ridden thinking sessions, I immediately pray for peace. I FEEL His presence. I have seen His works. Every day when I look at my kids and my husband, I KNOW He is real. I know His love is unconditional. I KNOW only He knows my true heart of hearts. So when I begin to feel that people are forcing their own convictions on me, it disturbs me. I read a blog today. It talked about how "Magic Mike" was not a man that women should want. My first thought was this: Well of course not. Magic Mike is a fictional character. He is not real. Along with the likes of Harry Potter, Edward, Jacob, Christian Grey, Peeta, Gale, all the Montgomery men from Jude Devereaux's novels, and any other male leading character from a work of fiction. Do these things make me want to leave my husband and search for the likes of one of these men? Of course not. I know the difference between real and not real. I want a real man. One like my Daddy, who taught Sunday school and cooked breakfast for the whole church. Who went to the store time after time and bought things for his wife and daughters that no man would really want to go and buy. Who held me when I cried. Who disciplined me when I did wrong. Who cleaned the house, did laundry, and cooked dinner. One like my brother-in-law who took four kids (2 of which were not his) to the circus. Who took us crab hunting on the beach at night with flashlights. Who takes my kids to the airport to see the airplanes. Who takes my kids to Golden Corral to eat, even though he doesn't like it. Who has always helped his sister-in-laws even though he didn't have to. One like my husband who took responsibility and was glad for it when a lot of other men wouldn't have. Who coaches his sons in baseball, even going so far as to drive 4-5 nights a week for 2 hours to do it. Who folds laundry. Who hugs his little girl and calls her monkey. Who works hard every day even when he is sick. Who loves me unconditionally even when I'm unlovable. These are all of the qualities I want. Not a fictional character with abs. I saw Magic Mike. I didn't leave the theater lusting, or wanting to find a new man. I didn't feel any differently when I came out of the theater than I did when I went in. For an hour and a half, I watched a work of fiction. When I got in my car, I came home to my real husband, my real kids, and my real life....and all was right with the world.