Don't Blink

As this year draws to a close, I have been reading everyone's updates and reflections on the year 2013. Some are positive. Some are just wishing for the year to be over. I try to examine how I feel about it. Honestly, I'm just indifferent. The year 2013 already seems like a distant, blurry memory to me. Then I think, has it really been a full year?
I began the year by laying my daddy to rest. The strongest, best man I ever knew. The one that ALWAYS took my side and had my back. The one who cheered me on, gave me hugs, and told me how proud he was of me every chance he got. It's a blur. Honestly, I do not remember Christmas last year. I don't really remember the two weeks that he was in the hospital before he passed away. It is really crazy how you can feel like you are in a dream during real life events.
After December 29th, we spent 9 weeks away from Providence Hospital. Probably the longest time we had not been there in about 3 years. My mom was struggling. She was sad and she was having health issues with blood loss. However, she wanted to get better. Then, on March 3rd, she tripped over the ironing board, fell, and broke her pelvis. During the next few weeks, she went in for an extended scope and they found a bleeding tumor. They felt sure this was the cause of the blood loss. The next day, she had a ct scan and surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, April 1st. After a two hour surgery, she spent 2 weeks in the hospital. She had a hard time with recovery but once she started feeling better she was determined. She was starting to get around better and the pelvis was healing. We found out the tumor wasn't malignant and we felt she was on her way to recovery and good health. On Friday, April 12th, she was released from the hospital. On Monday, April 15th, Heidi took the kids to school, came home, and found her lying on the floor. The events in the days, weeks, and months to come would define the year of 2013 for me. We spent weeks in the hospital, prepared ourselves for her death because we were told she wouldn't make it. Every odd that was against her, she defied. She couldn't open her eyes. They told us she wouldn't. She did. She couldn't swallow. They told us she needed a feeding tube. She began swallowing. She couldn't talk. She began talking. She had no emotions. She began laughing. What a roller coaster we were on. Many, many days I just wanted OFF! I couldn't understand why or what was happening. After weeks in the hospital she was moved to a nursing home for rehab. Another roller coaster ride began. She was doing well in therapy, then she wasn't. She was doing better swallowing. Then she declined. Then more blood loss. Back to the hospital. Then to a new nursing home. The feelings that I got every time I went to the nursing home were horrible. I became literally sick every time I went and every time I left. I hated her being there. I refused to believe this was it for her. That this was her fate. So began the plan to bring her home. I'm not much of a decision maker and I usually struggle, but this one I knew was the right one. Now, from the moment the decision was made, was when the REAL learning began. The best way for me to convey what I learned through this experience is through a list. So here you go:
1. God WILL provide. He will see you through. He will give you strength, courage, discipline, financial abilities, people, and anything else you might need when you truly have faith and seek what you know HE wants. I was shown this OVER and OVER again in 2013.
2. True love is being there. It doesn't have to be flashy, wordy, or showy. It can be silent. It can be still. It can be letting you act crazy because they know that you can't help it. It is going to bat for you. It is simple. I thought I knew what love was before this year. I didn't. I learned about true love in 2013.
3. Children can adjust to most situations. My children are strong and resilient. I worry about them a lot. Guess what? God's got that in control too.
4. Friends. Ohhhhh what I learned about friends. There are so many good people in my life. Guess who put them there? Yep. God. He knew who I would need and when I would need them. People prayed, painted, helped me with this house, cooked food, sent cards, brought me coffee, cried with me, let me cry, let me rant, let me be silent, made me laugh, and so much more. There will never be enough in the world to thank or repay these people. The meaning of true friendship is what I learned in 2013.
5. Family. Those people who are your blood. Who come from the same place you did (or married into it). The ones you love the most, but make you the maddest. The ones who understand what you are losing and have lost, because they are losing and have lost too. The ones who will come at midnight if you need them. The ones who completely understand your kind of crazy, because they are that kind of crazy too. The bond that can't be broken, no matter what happens. In the end, it is family that we have. I learned why my momma and daddy insisted that we all stay close. I learned the reason why momma would have never only had one child.
6. Faith. This was my most important lesson of 2013. I learned that without faith, I am nothing. I distinctly remember a conversation with two of my good friends before Momma came home in which I stated, " I can't do _______. There's no way." To which they both replied, "yes, you can." On July 27th, when my momma came home, I had no clue what to expect. However, I had faith. Over the next 4 months, I did things I NEVER thought I would be able to do. It was hard at first. I did not know what I was doing. Thankfully, I had paid attention during all those hospital stays. My momma and I had A LOT of laughs. Times that I will never, ever forget. I would spend the whole time I was helping her apologizing for not knowing what I was doing. Sometimes we would just laugh so hard because of something crazy that happened. My faith and the prayers of others pushed me through. That was my biggest life lesson of 2013.

The four months that I spent here with my momma were such a blessing to me. While I was just doing what I thought was the right thing, I became a new person. I cherished every single minute with her. I told her over and over how much I loved her and how good of a mother she had been. I told her thank you for always putting us first. I told her it was my pleasure to take care of her after all she had sacrificed and done for me. We watched movies together, we talked, we cried, we laughed. Some might think being here in this house would be hard. For me, it's not. It gives me peace. I see them everywhere. I feel them here. It makes me feel like my memories may stay strong. I'm scared of forgetting. I'm scared that in 10 years I won't remember their faces or their voices. I'm scared that my kids won't remember. Then I stop. Remember the faith I learned about? I have faith that I will. Not to mention I have faith that I will see them again. I know they are with me. I carry them in my heart every single day.

2012

For the past several years around the end of December or the beginning of January, I have written a "synopsis" of the past year. This year, my writing was put on hold. On December 29, 2012, my life changed forever. My sweet Daddy went home to be with Jesus. I have not been able to bring myself to write about it or really talk too much about it. You see, I am a typical Daddy's girl. Now, I have a lot of competition because there are 6 girls in my family. However, I believe myself to be special considering I'm the "baby."(shhhh...don't tell them I was his favorite:) For the last several years, everywhere we went together I was introduced by my daddy like this: "This is my baby girl. She takes care of me." I cannot type those words without crying. I spent a lot of time with my daddy in doctor's offices, hospitals, and the car rides there. Time that I wouldn't trade for anything. I never, ever felt burdened by him. I was glad to be able to take care of the man that took care of me for so long. My heart aches to be able to drive him to a doctor's appointment. To call his phone and hear him answer. To walk in their house and see him sitting in his chair. To hear him talking to Camden and Alyse. To see his face. To hug him tight. To tell him how very, very much I love him and how very thankful and blessed I am to be his daughter. I struggle between knowing that he is better off but not caring because selfishly I want him here with us. I try to picture those last weeks. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It's such a blur. I have agonized over the thought that something could have been different. That we somehow could have changed it. I have wondered did I tell him enough that I loved him. Did he know how much he meant to me?  Did he know that we would miss him so much it hurts? I have good friends who have lost parents. My own husband  lost his mother at a very young age. I have had students who lost a parent. I have offered condolences. I have listened. But I never understood. This is something that you can never understand until it happens to you. The only way I have been able to explain it is that it constantly feels like something is missing. Like a hole that should be filled. Everything reminds me of him. Small things. Like Donald Duck's voice. Hamburgers. A can of salmon. A burgundy Saturn station wagon. Slippers. A singing dog. A song on the radio. Biscuits. Egg omelets. Corn bread. So many things. Two weeks and two days have passed since that early Saturday morning in December. I don't miss him any less. I'm told that the missing him will never go away. I know that I will randomly cry when I think of him. I know that I will also smile when I think of him. I know that I will look at pictures and remember happy times. I know that I will show my babies pictures and tell them stories and encourage them to talk about Papa to keep his memory alive. I know that life will go on. I know that he would want it to. I know that he loved me and my sisters and his grandchildren and his friends and his sons in law with all he had. I know that he loved my momma unconditionally, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, like a man should love his wife. I know he was a hard worker, a good friend, a compassionate and caring person. I know he was funny. Oh, he was funny. He kept us laughing right to the very end. Most importantly, I know that he loved Jesus. He believed. He had faith. ( John 6:47 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life.) So I know that right now, he is in Heaven with Jesus with no more pain.  I also know that I have been blessed beyond measure. God has given me so much to be thankful for. A wonderful Daddy is only one of the blessings in my life. At church yesterday I was comforted by the following verse: John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”  If I was asked this same question by Jesus, I would answer "YES! YES! I believe." And I do. With all of my heart, mind, and soul. What a great comfort to know that my Daddy is alive and well in Heaven! 
Back in November (which seems forever ago), I was having horrible back pain. I went to an orthopedic doctor. My daddy insisted on going with me so he could take care of me. He was sick then. I will remember that day forever. That was my daddy. Always caring for the people he loved. I am so thankful for the memories I have of him. And so blessed to have had an earthly father that is now spending days with my heavenly father. 

Being 35

Well. It has happened. I am 35. I have been 35 for several hours now. One may ask, "Do you feel any different?". My answer would have to be, "No". Of course, I haven't really felt any different at any of my birthdays since reaching adulthood. Once you surpass the "big" ones, 16 and 21, there really seems to be no immediate change. In my mind, I'm still 21. In my body, I sometimes feel 90. In my 35 years I have learned an awful lot about life. When I was around 14 or 15, I began to realize that my family wasn't perfect. That there were skeletons in the closet. It wasn't until around 30 that I realized that NO ONE had a perfect family, just that some people didn't talk about their problems. At 35, I'm very thankful that we didn't keep secrets. That my sisters, and my mother and father gave us a taste of real life. It makes me who I am. When I was young, I really was a model child. I didn't fight back. I did as I was told. I didn't get in trouble at school (Well except for that one time I did splits in the cafeteria when I was in Kindergarten. Don't do it! They'll paddle you for that!).  I never wanted anyone to be mad at me. I didn't want to disappoint. Of course, I fought with my sister every now and then (but it was always her fault I'm sure:), but mostly I did as I was told. At 17 and 18 I realized that I didn't really want to be the perfect child. That I didn't ALWAYS want to do what my everyone wanted me to do. Actually, dare I say I rebelled a little (in the way 17 year olds do-with a "bad" boy).  Then came 20. At 20, I married too young. I married the person that I thought I should want. The one that made sense. The logical choice.The nice choice. At 26, I was given a little bit of freedom. I took it and ran. I became independent for the first time in my life.  Over the next couple of years, I tried to figure out what I wanted out of life. I made a lot of new friends. People that I probably would have never met otherwise. People who taught me to be more accepting. People who loved me for the person that I was, not who they wanted me to be. I made memories that I will keep in my heart forever. I also made a ton of mistakes (if you know me well, you know about most of those mistakes!). I messed up but I was given a second chance. At 27, I walked into an "establishment" and crossed paths with the man that completely won my heart. I gave up my independence for something new. A relationship where I was just me. At a point in my life where I could make choices and was able to. Where I could learn from mistakes and work through them. At 28, I became a mom for the first time. Total, complete, utter bliss. There are no words to describe this journey of motherhood. Sometimes I lose patience. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. Sometimes I mess up. Above all of those, it is a joy in my heart that never, ever goes away, even on my worst day. At 32, once again I was blessed. I would have never thought my heart could hold more love and more joy, but it did. So here I am at 35. When I was 21 if someone asked me where I thought I would be at 35, I have no idea what I would have said. Now I'm here, in the moment, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I look at my life and I am blessed beyond measure. I have a wonderful husband, a stepson who I love like he is my own, a son who tries my patience but makes me proud all at the same time, and a little girl whose personality and beauty astounds me daily. I also have a very big and growing family, who keep it real for me. We mess up. We disappoint each other. Thankfully, love overcomes all of that. We all love God, as does our mother, who taught us that forgiveness is a very tangible, important thing and without it we would not be nearly as strong as we are. I have a career that for 10 years has challenged me, moved me, taught me, and fulfilled me like no other job ever could have. I am beyond blessed with friends. I have old friends, new friends, and friends that are my family. At any moment, there are at least 15 people I could call if I needed something, and I use "at least" lightly  because I know there are more. So from now on, when someone asks me how old I am, I will proudly answer "35"... because there is no place else I'd rather be.

A Different Perspective

I don't even know where to begin on this post. I am bothered by all the "hoopla" over what movies people are seeing and what books people are reading. I have read things that I wish I could unread. I try really hard to just overlook things that I feel will be negative or judgmental. Even when the writer proclaims to not be judging, it really still generally comes across that way. Not that I'm innocent of judgment. There have been times where I have said or done things that I immediately wish I could take back. However, I pride myself on mostly trying to be a loving, non-judging person. I love Jesus. I love people. Does this mean I agree with everything everyone does? No. But I firmly believe it is not my job to decide other people's convictions or fate. I do not claim to be perfect in my faith. I struggle every single day. I worry about doing the right thing. I pray to God to make me a better wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend. I ask him to give me strength. When I start one of my anxiety-ridden thinking sessions, I immediately pray for peace. I FEEL His presence. I have seen His works. Every day when I look at my kids and my husband, I KNOW He is real. I know His love is unconditional. I KNOW only He knows my true heart of hearts. So when I begin to feel that people are forcing their own convictions on me, it disturbs me. I read a blog today. It talked about how "Magic Mike" was not a man that women should want. My first thought was this: Well of course not. Magic Mike is a fictional character. He is not real. Along with the likes of Harry Potter, Edward, Jacob, Christian Grey, Peeta, Gale, all the Montgomery men from Jude Devereaux's novels, and any other male leading character from a work of fiction. Do these things make me want to leave my husband and search for the likes of one of these men? Of course not. I know the difference between real and not real. I want a real man. One like my Daddy, who taught Sunday school and cooked breakfast for the whole church. Who went to the store time after time and bought things for his wife and daughters that no man would really want to go and buy. Who held me when I cried. Who disciplined me when I did wrong. Who cleaned the house, did laundry, and cooked dinner. One like my brother-in-law who took four kids (2 of which were not his) to the circus. Who took us crab hunting on the beach at night with flashlights. Who takes my kids to the airport to see the airplanes. Who takes my kids to Golden Corral to eat, even though he doesn't like it. Who has always helped his sister-in-laws even though he didn't have to. One like my husband who took responsibility and was glad for it when a lot of other men wouldn't have. Who coaches his sons in baseball, even going so far as to drive 4-5 nights a week for 2 hours to do it. Who folds laundry. Who hugs his little girl and calls her monkey. Who works hard every day even when he is sick. Who loves me unconditionally even when I'm unlovable. These are all of the qualities I want. Not a fictional character with abs. I saw Magic Mike. I didn't leave the theater lusting, or wanting to find a new man. I didn't feel any differently when I came out of the theater than I did when I went in. For an hour and a half, I watched a work of fiction. When I got in my car, I came home to my real husband, my real kids, and my real life....and all was right with the world.

Wow...It's been another year.

It's been awhile since I have written a blog! I don't guess I realized how long it had been. Time is flying by at a rate that is very scary to me. Camden has decided to talk about next year, you know, when he is in ____ grade. I haven't even blogged about his Kindergarten year, and he's already moving up in his mind.

This past year seriously flew by at the speed of light. I honestly have trouble even remembering things because it seemed to go by so fast. Here are a few highlights of the last year:

1. In January, after struggling through first semester with what was my most "trying" class in a long time, I was blessed with a student teacher. I will forever be grateful for her coming into my classroom and jumping right in. She helped me make it through the year. We laughed together, taught together, enjoyed gas station biscuits together, and hopefully she learned something about teaching. God knows exactly what we need when we need it.

2. My dad had surgery that was supposed to be routine and ended up being extremely ill for quite some time. However, yet again, he pulled through. I know, for certain, that my dad is one of the strongest people I know.  And I also know that God has reasons for keeping him here with us:)

3. My family became whole again. I love my sisters and I am thankful for each and every one of them.

4. My sweet boy began his first year of park ball (see blog about that) and I turned into a mom from Toddlers and Teeballs (credited to Chris Burrell). I enjoyed every. single. minute.

5. My best friend lost her father unexpectedly (I hope she doesn't mind me including this). I felt so helpless. This person is like my family. We haven't known each other forever, but it feels like we have. She is truly my adopted sister. Watching her go through that was just awful, not to mention it hit close to home. I will admit that I questioned, "Why?" He had not been sick and was young. It's hard to remember sometimes that God has a plan. Also, there are not enough words to comfort someone going through this. I just hope she felt my love and knew that my heart ached for her. I still pray for strength for her daily.

6. I was asked to move grade levels at the end of the school year. I said no, no, no. Then I prayed about it. My answer became yes, yes, yes. Wow, the power of prayer. The peace that I had about the decision to say yes was like no other I have ever had. I hate making decisions. I always, always question myself. This time, God showed me very clearly what I was supposed to do. Enlightening.

7. I found out that I am going to be a great aunt again. My niece and best friend, after trying for 5 years, is having a baby girl. My heart leaped with joy. She has been another mother to many, many children. It was time for her to have her own. That phone call will never be forgotten. And to think it all happened after some jello shots:) Oh, sweet Adelyn Faith, we will have such a story to tell you (when you are 35).

8. My sassy girl turned TWO years old. Yes, I said TWO. Where did the last two years go?

9. We spent a week at Dauphin Island with our family. The best time I have had in awhile. It was very lazy and relaxing and I enjoyed every minute of it. Especially that pizza that Barkley wanted Brian to get. Tyler and Camden fished for days and Alyse played in a blow up pool on the deck for hours. I actually began reading again on this trip. It had been almost 2 years since I read an entire book. It sparked my love for reading again.

10. In July, I celebrated my 6th year of marriage to the man I love more every day and also celebrated my 34th year of life. My birthday celebration was a BLAST. My family and friends made me feel extremely special. I will never forget that night.

11. I started the school year teaching 3rd grade. I student taught in 3rd grade and loved it. I always said that was what I wanted to teach. So here I am, 10 years later, finally doing it. It has been fabulous. I have a wonderful grade level and the best class I have ever had. I needed this year. I am now "Summer, Who's Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move."  Camden started Kindergarten at my school. I now get to see his face several times throughout the day, which is such a blessing to me.

12. I actually became an aunt for the 12th time. When I found out, I was probably not the most supportive sister. Worry and doubt overtook my joy. But some wise words from a friend helped me see the light. The day I saw Hillary Marie on that ultrasound screen, my heart was happy. Alyse would have a built in best friend. We are very close in our family and I really want to work in 2012 to make our kids as close as we were growing up. Hillary Marie Murphy made her entrance on October 20, 2011. She is a beautiful, beautiful baby girl. My heart melts when I see her.

13. Thanksgiving week I was able to spend time with my nieces, old and young. My heart was filled with happiness and I was very, very thankful.

14. The Christmas season was wonderful. I LOVE buying gifts for my kids and seeing their faces when they get the things they wanted. It brings me such joy!

Some things that deserve an honorable mention: the St.Patty's Day parade (D.A.L's and lemons), the trip to Orange Beach with 30 of my closest friends, Brian's 40th 80's themed birthday party, our 5th and last Halloween party, growing friendships, realizing I have a Board of Directors and hoping that I am there for them as much as they are for me, getting back in church (somewhat regularly:), and just enjoying life.

I will not set any New Year's Resolutions because I do not normally stick with them. However, I will say that I hope to enjoy my life more and worry less. I am excited to see what's in store for the Payne family in 2012.

Making Memories

One day a few weeks ago I was in the car looking out the window and I saw a little girl about 6 or 7 years old riding on the lawnmower with her daddy. Her blonde hair was flowing in the wind and she looked so happy and content. A flood of memories hit me. I used to be that little girl. If my daddy was outside, so was I. If he was fixing something or cutting grass or working in the yard, I was right behind him. Now those who know me probably won't believe this as true, but at one point I was a tomboy. I stayed outside all the time. Rode a three wheeler (yes, one of those dangerous machines that they quit selling). Enjoyed fixing things. Begged to cut the grass. I don't really know when all of that changed, but I'm sure it was around the time I started middle school:) Anyway, I was thinking about riding that lawnmower with my daddy and how Camden rode the lawnmower with my daddy and it made me very happy. I love when those warm memories come over me. I hope my kids will feel the same way someday.
We spent last week at Dauphin Island. It was wonderful. The kids played all day, busying themselves doing beachy things. Tyler fished from the dock and walked over to the beach and fished. Camden fished on the dock until I thought he would turn into one. I believe he would have stayed out on the dock until he literally passed out from tiredness. I watched my baby girl run into the ocean for the first time. Oh how she was in heaven! Scared me to death, but not her! She squealed with happiness when she fell into the water and the waves crashed over her head. So different from my cautious Camden. He wouldn't go near the water when he was her age. We spent lazy days  out on the deck, hanging out with family, fishing, playing in the sand, and walking to the beach. It was probably the most relaxed I have been in a long, long time. Now we are back home and the only thing left from the beach trip are the memories, a few pictures, the stench of fish in the garage from the buckets and cast nets, a little boy with a great tan and some really blonde hair, and a video of a little girl screaming with joy in the ocean. And hopefully, one day, they will see something that reminds them of special times with their momma and daddy, and their hearts will be just as full as mine was when I saw the little blonde girl on the lawnmower.

Fishing on the dock



The fish he almost caught! It was a big one, but it got away!



Got one!

The view I woke up to every day:)

Alyse's first time touching a fish!



No fear in this girl!




This is where Alyse and Layla had playtime every day.




My funny boy!





Loving it!



 I LOVE this picture!