2012

For the past several years around the end of December or the beginning of January, I have written a "synopsis" of the past year. This year, my writing was put on hold. On December 29, 2012, my life changed forever. My sweet Daddy went home to be with Jesus. I have not been able to bring myself to write about it or really talk too much about it. You see, I am a typical Daddy's girl. Now, I have a lot of competition because there are 6 girls in my family. However, I believe myself to be special considering I'm the "baby."(shhhh...don't tell them I was his favorite:) For the last several years, everywhere we went together I was introduced by my daddy like this: "This is my baby girl. She takes care of me." I cannot type those words without crying. I spent a lot of time with my daddy in doctor's offices, hospitals, and the car rides there. Time that I wouldn't trade for anything. I never, ever felt burdened by him. I was glad to be able to take care of the man that took care of me for so long. My heart aches to be able to drive him to a doctor's appointment. To call his phone and hear him answer. To walk in their house and see him sitting in his chair. To hear him talking to Camden and Alyse. To see his face. To hug him tight. To tell him how very, very much I love him and how very thankful and blessed I am to be his daughter. I struggle between knowing that he is better off but not caring because selfishly I want him here with us. I try to picture those last weeks. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It's such a blur. I have agonized over the thought that something could have been different. That we somehow could have changed it. I have wondered did I tell him enough that I loved him. Did he know how much he meant to me?  Did he know that we would miss him so much it hurts? I have good friends who have lost parents. My own husband  lost his mother at a very young age. I have had students who lost a parent. I have offered condolences. I have listened. But I never understood. This is something that you can never understand until it happens to you. The only way I have been able to explain it is that it constantly feels like something is missing. Like a hole that should be filled. Everything reminds me of him. Small things. Like Donald Duck's voice. Hamburgers. A can of salmon. A burgundy Saturn station wagon. Slippers. A singing dog. A song on the radio. Biscuits. Egg omelets. Corn bread. So many things. Two weeks and two days have passed since that early Saturday morning in December. I don't miss him any less. I'm told that the missing him will never go away. I know that I will randomly cry when I think of him. I know that I will also smile when I think of him. I know that I will look at pictures and remember happy times. I know that I will show my babies pictures and tell them stories and encourage them to talk about Papa to keep his memory alive. I know that life will go on. I know that he would want it to. I know that he loved me and my sisters and his grandchildren and his friends and his sons in law with all he had. I know that he loved my momma unconditionally, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, like a man should love his wife. I know he was a hard worker, a good friend, a compassionate and caring person. I know he was funny. Oh, he was funny. He kept us laughing right to the very end. Most importantly, I know that he loved Jesus. He believed. He had faith. ( John 6:47 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life.) So I know that right now, he is in Heaven with Jesus with no more pain.  I also know that I have been blessed beyond measure. God has given me so much to be thankful for. A wonderful Daddy is only one of the blessings in my life. At church yesterday I was comforted by the following verse: John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”  If I was asked this same question by Jesus, I would answer "YES! YES! I believe." And I do. With all of my heart, mind, and soul. What a great comfort to know that my Daddy is alive and well in Heaven! 
Back in November (which seems forever ago), I was having horrible back pain. I went to an orthopedic doctor. My daddy insisted on going with me so he could take care of me. He was sick then. I will remember that day forever. That was my daddy. Always caring for the people he loved. I am so thankful for the memories I have of him. And so blessed to have had an earthly father that is now spending days with my heavenly father.