I began the year by laying my daddy to rest. The strongest, best man I ever knew. The one that ALWAYS took my side and had my back. The one who cheered me on, gave me hugs, and told me how proud he was of me every chance he got. It's a blur. Honestly, I do not remember Christmas last year. I don't really remember the two weeks that he was in the hospital before he passed away. It is really crazy how you can feel like you are in a dream during real life events.
After December 29th, we spent 9 weeks away from Providence Hospital. Probably the longest time we had not been there in about 3 years. My mom was struggling. She was sad and she was having health issues with blood loss. However, she wanted to get better. Then, on March 3rd, she tripped over the ironing board, fell, and broke her pelvis. During the next few weeks, she went in for an extended scope and they found a bleeding tumor. They felt sure this was the cause of the blood loss. The next day, she had a ct scan and surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, April 1st. After a two hour surgery, she spent 2 weeks in the hospital. She had a hard time with recovery but once she started feeling better she was determined. She was starting to get around better and the pelvis was healing. We found out the tumor wasn't malignant and we felt she was on her way to recovery and good health. On Friday, April 12th, she was released from the hospital. On Monday, April 15th, Heidi took the kids to school, came home, and found her lying on the floor. The events in the days, weeks, and months to come would define the year of 2013 for me. We spent weeks in the hospital, prepared ourselves for her death because we were told she wouldn't make it. Every odd that was against her, she defied. She couldn't open her eyes. They told us she wouldn't. She did. She couldn't swallow. They told us she needed a feeding tube. She began swallowing. She couldn't talk. She began talking. She had no emotions. She began laughing. What a roller coaster we were on. Many, many days I just wanted OFF! I couldn't understand why or what was happening. After weeks in the hospital she was moved to a nursing home for rehab. Another roller coaster ride began. She was doing well in therapy, then she wasn't. She was doing better swallowing. Then she declined. Then more blood loss. Back to the hospital. Then to a new nursing home. The feelings that I got every time I went to the nursing home were horrible. I became literally sick every time I went and every time I left. I hated her being there. I refused to believe this was it for her. That this was her fate. So began the plan to bring her home. I'm not much of a decision maker and I usually struggle, but this one I knew was the right one. Now, from the moment the decision was made, was when the REAL learning began. The best way for me to convey what I learned through this experience is through a list. So here you go:
1. God WILL provide. He will see you through. He will give you strength, courage, discipline, financial abilities, people, and anything else you might need when you truly have faith and seek what you know HE wants. I was shown this OVER and OVER again in 2013.
2. True love is being there. It doesn't have to be flashy, wordy, or showy. It can be silent. It can be still. It can be letting you act crazy because they know that you can't help it. It is going to bat for you. It is simple. I thought I knew what love was before this year. I didn't. I learned about true love in 2013.
3. Children can adjust to most situations. My children are strong and resilient. I worry about them a lot. Guess what? God's got that in control too.
4. Friends. Ohhhhh what I learned about friends. There are so many good people in my life. Guess who put them there? Yep. God. He knew who I would need and when I would need them. People prayed, painted, helped me with this house, cooked food, sent cards, brought me coffee, cried with me, let me cry, let me rant, let me be silent, made me laugh, and so much more. There will never be enough in the world to thank or repay these people. The meaning of true friendship is what I learned in 2013.
5. Family. Those people who are your blood. Who come from the same place you did (or married into it). The ones you love the most, but make you the maddest. The ones who understand what you are losing and have lost, because they are losing and have lost too. The ones who will come at midnight if you need them. The ones who completely understand your kind of crazy, because they are that kind of crazy too. The bond that can't be broken, no matter what happens. In the end, it is family that we have. I learned why my momma and daddy insisted that we all stay close. I learned the reason why momma would have never only had one child.
6. Faith. This was my most important lesson of 2013. I learned that without faith, I am nothing. I distinctly remember a conversation with two of my good friends before Momma came home in which I stated, " I can't do _______. There's no way." To which they both replied, "yes, you can." On July 27th, when my momma came home, I had no clue what to expect. However, I had faith. Over the next 4 months, I did things I NEVER thought I would be able to do. It was hard at first. I did not know what I was doing. Thankfully, I had paid attention during all those hospital stays. My momma and I had A LOT of laughs. Times that I will never, ever forget. I would spend the whole time I was helping her apologizing for not knowing what I was doing. Sometimes we would just laugh so hard because of something crazy that happened. My faith and the prayers of others pushed me through. That was my biggest life lesson of 2013.
The four months that I spent here with my momma were such a blessing to me. While I was just doing what I thought was the right thing, I became a new person. I cherished every single minute with her. I told her over and over how much I loved her and how good of a mother she had been. I told her thank you for always putting us first. I told her it was my pleasure to take care of her after all she had sacrificed and done for me. We watched movies together, we talked, we cried, we laughed. Some might think being here in this house would be hard. For me, it's not. It gives me peace. I see them everywhere. I feel them here. It makes me feel like my memories may stay strong. I'm scared of forgetting. I'm scared that in 10 years I won't remember their faces or their voices. I'm scared that my kids won't remember. Then I stop. Remember the faith I learned about? I have faith that I will. Not to mention I have faith that I will see them again. I know they are with me. I carry them in my heart every single day.
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