Don't Blink

As this year draws to a close, I have been reading everyone's updates and reflections on the year 2013. Some are positive. Some are just wishing for the year to be over. I try to examine how I feel about it. Honestly, I'm just indifferent. The year 2013 already seems like a distant, blurry memory to me. Then I think, has it really been a full year?
I began the year by laying my daddy to rest. The strongest, best man I ever knew. The one that ALWAYS took my side and had my back. The one who cheered me on, gave me hugs, and told me how proud he was of me every chance he got. It's a blur. Honestly, I do not remember Christmas last year. I don't really remember the two weeks that he was in the hospital before he passed away. It is really crazy how you can feel like you are in a dream during real life events.
After December 29th, we spent 9 weeks away from Providence Hospital. Probably the longest time we had not been there in about 3 years. My mom was struggling. She was sad and she was having health issues with blood loss. However, she wanted to get better. Then, on March 3rd, she tripped over the ironing board, fell, and broke her pelvis. During the next few weeks, she went in for an extended scope and they found a bleeding tumor. They felt sure this was the cause of the blood loss. The next day, she had a ct scan and surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, April 1st. After a two hour surgery, she spent 2 weeks in the hospital. She had a hard time with recovery but once she started feeling better she was determined. She was starting to get around better and the pelvis was healing. We found out the tumor wasn't malignant and we felt she was on her way to recovery and good health. On Friday, April 12th, she was released from the hospital. On Monday, April 15th, Heidi took the kids to school, came home, and found her lying on the floor. The events in the days, weeks, and months to come would define the year of 2013 for me. We spent weeks in the hospital, prepared ourselves for her death because we were told she wouldn't make it. Every odd that was against her, she defied. She couldn't open her eyes. They told us she wouldn't. She did. She couldn't swallow. They told us she needed a feeding tube. She began swallowing. She couldn't talk. She began talking. She had no emotions. She began laughing. What a roller coaster we were on. Many, many days I just wanted OFF! I couldn't understand why or what was happening. After weeks in the hospital she was moved to a nursing home for rehab. Another roller coaster ride began. She was doing well in therapy, then she wasn't. She was doing better swallowing. Then she declined. Then more blood loss. Back to the hospital. Then to a new nursing home. The feelings that I got every time I went to the nursing home were horrible. I became literally sick every time I went and every time I left. I hated her being there. I refused to believe this was it for her. That this was her fate. So began the plan to bring her home. I'm not much of a decision maker and I usually struggle, but this one I knew was the right one. Now, from the moment the decision was made, was when the REAL learning began. The best way for me to convey what I learned through this experience is through a list. So here you go:
1. God WILL provide. He will see you through. He will give you strength, courage, discipline, financial abilities, people, and anything else you might need when you truly have faith and seek what you know HE wants. I was shown this OVER and OVER again in 2013.
2. True love is being there. It doesn't have to be flashy, wordy, or showy. It can be silent. It can be still. It can be letting you act crazy because they know that you can't help it. It is going to bat for you. It is simple. I thought I knew what love was before this year. I didn't. I learned about true love in 2013.
3. Children can adjust to most situations. My children are strong and resilient. I worry about them a lot. Guess what? God's got that in control too.
4. Friends. Ohhhhh what I learned about friends. There are so many good people in my life. Guess who put them there? Yep. God. He knew who I would need and when I would need them. People prayed, painted, helped me with this house, cooked food, sent cards, brought me coffee, cried with me, let me cry, let me rant, let me be silent, made me laugh, and so much more. There will never be enough in the world to thank or repay these people. The meaning of true friendship is what I learned in 2013.
5. Family. Those people who are your blood. Who come from the same place you did (or married into it). The ones you love the most, but make you the maddest. The ones who understand what you are losing and have lost, because they are losing and have lost too. The ones who will come at midnight if you need them. The ones who completely understand your kind of crazy, because they are that kind of crazy too. The bond that can't be broken, no matter what happens. In the end, it is family that we have. I learned why my momma and daddy insisted that we all stay close. I learned the reason why momma would have never only had one child.
6. Faith. This was my most important lesson of 2013. I learned that without faith, I am nothing. I distinctly remember a conversation with two of my good friends before Momma came home in which I stated, " I can't do _______. There's no way." To which they both replied, "yes, you can." On July 27th, when my momma came home, I had no clue what to expect. However, I had faith. Over the next 4 months, I did things I NEVER thought I would be able to do. It was hard at first. I did not know what I was doing. Thankfully, I had paid attention during all those hospital stays. My momma and I had A LOT of laughs. Times that I will never, ever forget. I would spend the whole time I was helping her apologizing for not knowing what I was doing. Sometimes we would just laugh so hard because of something crazy that happened. My faith and the prayers of others pushed me through. That was my biggest life lesson of 2013.

The four months that I spent here with my momma were such a blessing to me. While I was just doing what I thought was the right thing, I became a new person. I cherished every single minute with her. I told her over and over how much I loved her and how good of a mother she had been. I told her thank you for always putting us first. I told her it was my pleasure to take care of her after all she had sacrificed and done for me. We watched movies together, we talked, we cried, we laughed. Some might think being here in this house would be hard. For me, it's not. It gives me peace. I see them everywhere. I feel them here. It makes me feel like my memories may stay strong. I'm scared of forgetting. I'm scared that in 10 years I won't remember their faces or their voices. I'm scared that my kids won't remember. Then I stop. Remember the faith I learned about? I have faith that I will. Not to mention I have faith that I will see them again. I know they are with me. I carry them in my heart every single day.

2012

For the past several years around the end of December or the beginning of January, I have written a "synopsis" of the past year. This year, my writing was put on hold. On December 29, 2012, my life changed forever. My sweet Daddy went home to be with Jesus. I have not been able to bring myself to write about it or really talk too much about it. You see, I am a typical Daddy's girl. Now, I have a lot of competition because there are 6 girls in my family. However, I believe myself to be special considering I'm the "baby."(shhhh...don't tell them I was his favorite:) For the last several years, everywhere we went together I was introduced by my daddy like this: "This is my baby girl. She takes care of me." I cannot type those words without crying. I spent a lot of time with my daddy in doctor's offices, hospitals, and the car rides there. Time that I wouldn't trade for anything. I never, ever felt burdened by him. I was glad to be able to take care of the man that took care of me for so long. My heart aches to be able to drive him to a doctor's appointment. To call his phone and hear him answer. To walk in their house and see him sitting in his chair. To hear him talking to Camden and Alyse. To see his face. To hug him tight. To tell him how very, very much I love him and how very thankful and blessed I am to be his daughter. I struggle between knowing that he is better off but not caring because selfishly I want him here with us. I try to picture those last weeks. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It's such a blur. I have agonized over the thought that something could have been different. That we somehow could have changed it. I have wondered did I tell him enough that I loved him. Did he know how much he meant to me?  Did he know that we would miss him so much it hurts? I have good friends who have lost parents. My own husband  lost his mother at a very young age. I have had students who lost a parent. I have offered condolences. I have listened. But I never understood. This is something that you can never understand until it happens to you. The only way I have been able to explain it is that it constantly feels like something is missing. Like a hole that should be filled. Everything reminds me of him. Small things. Like Donald Duck's voice. Hamburgers. A can of salmon. A burgundy Saturn station wagon. Slippers. A singing dog. A song on the radio. Biscuits. Egg omelets. Corn bread. So many things. Two weeks and two days have passed since that early Saturday morning in December. I don't miss him any less. I'm told that the missing him will never go away. I know that I will randomly cry when I think of him. I know that I will also smile when I think of him. I know that I will look at pictures and remember happy times. I know that I will show my babies pictures and tell them stories and encourage them to talk about Papa to keep his memory alive. I know that life will go on. I know that he would want it to. I know that he loved me and my sisters and his grandchildren and his friends and his sons in law with all he had. I know that he loved my momma unconditionally, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, like a man should love his wife. I know he was a hard worker, a good friend, a compassionate and caring person. I know he was funny. Oh, he was funny. He kept us laughing right to the very end. Most importantly, I know that he loved Jesus. He believed. He had faith. ( John 6:47 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life.) So I know that right now, he is in Heaven with Jesus with no more pain.  I also know that I have been blessed beyond measure. God has given me so much to be thankful for. A wonderful Daddy is only one of the blessings in my life. At church yesterday I was comforted by the following verse: John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”  If I was asked this same question by Jesus, I would answer "YES! YES! I believe." And I do. With all of my heart, mind, and soul. What a great comfort to know that my Daddy is alive and well in Heaven! 
Back in November (which seems forever ago), I was having horrible back pain. I went to an orthopedic doctor. My daddy insisted on going with me so he could take care of me. He was sick then. I will remember that day forever. That was my daddy. Always caring for the people he loved. I am so thankful for the memories I have of him. And so blessed to have had an earthly father that is now spending days with my heavenly father.